Know the Difference

sibling rivalry…

or sibling abuse?

Abuse Has Clear Signals:

You can assess the MOTIVE in the aggressive child’s actions.

Is there an intention to harm?

Is the action pre-meditated and aimed at dominating, controlling, manipulating, mocking, teasing, making fun of?

Is there a desire to antagonize, harass, instigate or provoke?

Sibling abuse often starts with low-level teasing, mocking, taunting or shaming. If unchecked, it escalates to physical harm or worse.

Watch for patterns where one sibling, often older or more dominant, consistently targets a younger, smaller, or less popular sibling.

Watch for older siblings ganging up on one sibling through tackling, holding down, mocking or shaming, involving friends to trick or trap for the purpose of stealing money or destroying possessions, or humiliation.

Watch for a vulnerable sibling going out of their way to avoid a sibling, or being overly compliant when interacting with a sibling.

  • Watch for patterns where one sibling, often older or more dominant, consistently targets a younger, smaller, or less popular sibling.

    Watch for a vulnerable sibling going out of their way to avoid a sibling, or be overly compliant when interacting with a sibling.

  • This is not for blame… this is for prevention and intervention. You can get to the root cause by clicking here…

    All your children can live longer healthier lives if you pay attention today!

    Abuse starts when one sibling targets to manipulate, dominate, devalue, degrade, harm, or insult a more vulnerable sibling.  

    It is one-sided, frequent, and often subtle.  Abuse also exploits the vulnerable sibling’s trust or admiration of the aggressive sibling.  

    Get proven identity tools to help you prevent sibling aggression from getting out of control...

researching RIVALRY… OR ABUSE?

Where is the line between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse? What can a parent look for to answer this deeply important question?

The University of New Hampshire’s SAARA Initiative suggests these guidelines:

  • Is physical violence (e.g., hitting, kicking, shoving) occurring in children beyond the toddler years?

  • Are sibling conflicts consistently settled by one sibling "winning" the fight?

  • Is the behavior physically or emotionally harmful? Does it carry a genuine risk of harm?

  • Is the behavior planned or patterned, suggesting an intent to harm?

  • Does a sibling feel victimized, targeted, frequently intimidated, and/or afraid?

  • Has the behavior escalated over time, becoming more aggressive and/or injurious?

  • Is there a consistent power differential between the siblings?

For more details, please look at these references:

Tucker, Corinna Jenkins, Whitworth, Tanya Rouleau and Finkelhor, David, Fall 2023 "What is the Line: When Does Sibling Conflict, Teasing, and Roughhousing Become Something More Serious?" (SAARA Bulletin #4) University of New Hampshire, Crimes against Children Research Center https://www.unh.edu/ccrc/resource/saara-bulletin-4

Kiselica, Mark S., (2007) Sibling Maltreatment: The Forgotten Abuse, Journal of Counseling and Development: JCD 85 (2)

Take a look… your child is worth it.

Come back to see more movie or video depictions of sibling rivalry and abuse.

How serious do I take this?

Siblings who are targets of sibling aggression and victimization in childhood are SIX TIMES MORE LIKELY to suffer a major depressive episode in adulthood.

In addition, the rate of family estrangement in adulthood for adult sibling abuse survivors is 38% (some research says it’s actually closer to the divorce rate) vs. <6% for the general population.

This means adult sibling abuse survivors will be isolated from family and support during a depressive episode, leaving them vulnerable to joblessness, homelessness and suicidal ideation.

According to studies shared in Dr. Jonathan Caspi’s, “Raising Loving Siblings,” the farther from the birth order a child is, the more vulnerable they become for suicide.