Dad, your top priority is your relationship with your spouse
“A house divided against itself cannot stand” ~ Jesus (Matthew 12:25)
Your house can be a strong tower for your children… and being on the same page with your spouse is the foundation for its strength.
Everyone enters marriage relationships with differing beliefs about how parenting should be done. These differences are most evident when handling sibling conflict.
If you are competing with your spouse for your children’s favor, you will feed sibling conflict. You MUST figure out how to get on the same team.
“In committed relationships, allegiance should be to your partner over your children. When children have happy parents in happy relationships, they are happy!” ~ Dr. Jonathan Caspi, PhD (from Raising Loving Siblings).
Here are some practical thoughts to start the discussion with your spouse:
Get into agreement that it’s better for YOUR KIDS if you have a better relationship with each other than you have with them.
Respect and support your spouse. One of the #1 most common causes for children to have conflict with their siblings is when their parents undermine each other’s authority for the sake of pleasing a child. Even if you don’t agree in the moment, you can talk about it later behind closed doors. And your kids are on the other side of the door.
The Bible instructs a husband to love his wife the way Christ loves the Church, and a wife is to respect her husband. Undermining or disrespecting your spouse sows seeds of rebellion into your children.
Teach your child to never interrupt while you and your spouse are speaking to one another. Expect your children to wait, be patient and respect your conversation with your spouse. This shows your children that you and your spouse are on the same team. The two of you can be trusted to be a stable foundation for their identity-building.
Research shares parents typically (more often) side with the younger sibling over the older sibling; so be extra aware of favoritism.
Be aware of saying to your older children things like: “You’re older, you should know better”, or “Be nice… You’re older! You should be better than that”, or “You need to be a good role model”
When you teach older children that they “should know better how to behave”, or anything like “you’re superior, you’re better, you’re smarter” than their younger siblings, you reinforce their self-righteousness. Later in life, this can turn into social dominance or narcissistic-type delusions that can crush adult sibling relationships.